If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Listen, I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

I shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night…especially since I walked there.

My friends are getting married. I’m getting drunk. I think we know who the real winner is.

Don’t ever talk to your ex while drunk, booze has information in it.

I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking.

The relationship between a Russian and a bottle of vodka is almost mystical.

You’re lips are like vodka, and I want to get wasted.

Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.

I don’t chase boys. I chase paper, my dreams, and my vodka.